


trying to find my way back home to you again

by suneyed



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Tsukishima Is An Asshole, kageyama is a fool in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 14:36:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18153149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suneyed/pseuds/suneyed
Summary: they fell in love. but everything that falls gets broken.





	1. i still think of you a hundred times a day

**Author's Note:**

> hellooooo! this is a short angsty tsukkikage for [dane](twitter.com/denrki) bc we're angst buddies and it's my first time to write w diff ship! hope u enjoy this teehee
> 
>  
> 
> [my twitter](twitter.com/catcherclub)
> 
>  
> 
> also quick disclaimer:  
> there is mentioning of cheating. if you're uncomfortable, do not proceed in reading. also, DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNERS.

“I’m _home_!”

Tobio jumps from his seat, as he frantically wipes his tears, taking a deep breath. _He’s home,_ Tobio realizes. Tears started to form, his chest tightening and his broken little heart shatters even more.

But Tobio took a deep breath, to calm himself down. Inhaling and exhaling, to relief his tightening chest. There’s no way he’s going to show Tsukishima that he’s been crying, that he’s hurt, mad and upset. There’s no way Tobio was gonna let Tsukishima know, that he _knows_.

Tobio was not gonna let Tsukishima know that Tobio knows it’s not just his hand Tsukishima is holding. It’s not just his lips that he’s kissing, it’s not just his body that he’s touching. He wasn’t gonna let Tsukishima know, that Tobio knows it’s not just him who he loves.

It hurts. It really, really, hurts.

Tobio is being cheated on, and instead of confronting Tsukishima in an angry and violent manner, he asks himself, _do I deserve this?_ _Did I deserve to be cheated on? Was I not enough? Am I not good enough? Where did it go wrong?_ Questions filled and clouded Tobio’s mind, making it messy and unorganized.

It was the first time Tobio felt loved. He wasn’t used to being appreciated daily, he wasn’t used to affectionate gestures, he wasn’t used to receive the words _I love you_ coming from someone else other than his family.

It’s because Tobio never really believed in love. He never really tried to show love, he doesn’t know what love is. He doesn’t have any idea of what is love. All he knows about love was that it was red, you’re supposed to give love letters and chocolates. Nothing more than that. He didn’t expect love to cause unending laughter and wide smiles, tears and pain. He didn’t expect love to change him as a whole. Tobio didn’t expect love to add colors and sparkles to his dull and expressionless life.

Tsukishima proved him wrong.

Love was about confessions and rejections, laughter and tears, smiles and frowns. It’s about changing the someone’s perspective of the whole world. If they think that the world does not accept them, love is supposed to tell them that the world adores them.

Love is honest and trusting. If you love someone, it must be only them. If you love someone, you must be loyal to them. If you love someone, you’re not supposed to hurt them on purpose. Love is caring and kind.

Tobio learned all things about love from Tsukishima. He learned that love was not just about the color red, love letters and chocolates. He learned that love was about accepting and appreciating one another. Tobio learned all the affectionate gestures you do when you’re in love.

_In love_.

It’s a very dangerous and fatal phrase. To say that you’re in love means you’re ready for the tears and pain, for the smiles and laughter. To say that you’re in love means, you’re ready to give yourself and commit to one another. To say that you’re in love means you’re willing to go stupid for them.  

Being in love is probably one of the most scariest thing. When you’re in love, you do the most stupid things for that one person to be happy. You change yourself. You do everything and anything, to be with that person.

Tobio was in love with Tsukishima.

How could he not be? Tsukishima was the sweetest person Tobio has ever known. His kisses were sweet and loving, his hugs were warm and protective. He was the most beautiful person; his soft golden locks that beats a feathery pillow in softness, his golden eyes that gleams, reflecting the moon at night. His smile that made Tobio weak on his knees. His touch, _god_ , his touch made Tobio surrender.

_To say that you’re in love means you’re ready for the tears and pain._

Tobio snickered bitterly, his heart starting to hurt again and tears threatening to spill.

Tsukishima was the first person Tobio was in love with.

He didn’t know that he was already in love, all he knows is just he can’t afford to lose Tsukishima and he doesn’t want anyone else to take him away. All he knows is that he can’t watch someone else having to touch Tsukishima, because he wants to be the one touching him. All he knows is that he can’t control his anger when someone badmouths Tsukishima, that he can’t listen to anyone spouting insults.

Tsukishima showed Tobio a lot of things. Things like how lovers should act, how lovers should talk to each other, how lovers should hold each other. Tsukishima showed Tobio all the affectionate gestures, he showed Tobio a world filled with color.

He also showed Tobio that love isn’t all about happiness and kisses.

Tsukishima was the first person Tobio fell in love with, and the first person to break his heart.

“Hey,” Tsukishima smiled softly, cupping Tobio’s face to plant a light kiss on his lips. Tobio wanted to push Tsukishima away, to scream at his face, to thrash around and make a mess. He wanted to hurt Tsukishima, for cheating on him, for hurting him.

But he can’t.

_To say that you’re in love means you’re willing to go stupid for them._

Tobio gritted his teeth, collecting his thoughts and himself. He wanted to push Tsukishima away so bad, he wanted to scream and ask why did he do it. Tobio wanted to cry, and hurt Tsukishima the way other hurted him.

But he can’t find the strength to push Tsukishima away. He can’t find the voice to scream and ask questions. He just, _can’t._

Maybe Tobio really is in love. He’s so in love that he can’t find himself to push Tsukishima away, because his kisses are and will always put everything away. He’s so in love that he can’t find himself to scream at Tsukishima, he can’t find himself to ask Tsukishima _why,_ because he’s so afraid to know the truth.

Maybe Tobio really is in love, to the point that he went blind and deaf. He’s so in love that he’s suddenly blind, that he didn’t see the way Tsukishima kissed Yamaguchi. He’s so in love that he’s suddenly deaf, that he didn’t hear the same words he told Yamaguchi, the same words he used to tell Tobio.

_“God, I’m so in love with you.”_

 

 


	2. i still think of you too if you only knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> like jenga, when a wrong block is pulled, everything falls apart.

Kei pulled away from the heated, sweet and passionate kiss shared with Yamaguchi. He pulls away as he catches his breath, letting oxygen enter his lungs.

It doesn’t feel right. Something doesn’t feel right.

He’s been making out with Yamaguchi, but his mind was somewhere else. It wasn’t on the soft, thin and sweet pair of lips. It wasn’t on the delicate and soft whimpers and moans Yamaguchi was letting out. It’s like Kei’s mind is clouded and it’s hazy and foggy. He can’t think straight.

A pair of soft lips was placed on Kei’s chapped lips due to the cold weather. Yamaguchi gave Kei a quick peck, “Hey, I gotta prepare for class. I’ll see you later?” He stood up from the soft, velvety sofa the other has in his dorm room. Kei nodded absentmindedly, his clouded mind filled with hazy thoughts.

Kei watches Yamaguchi walk towards his bathroom, his bare ass on his full show, a bruise on his left butt cheek that Kei caused was visible.

He regrets it.

Kei regrets answering Yamaguchi’s call for comfort and ended up having sex that day. He regrets coming home from Yamaguchi’s place that day, and not noticing Kageyama’s swollen and red eyes. He regrets coming home with disheveled hair and hoarse voice from having sex. He regrets not asking Kageyama what’s wrong, when the other didn’t eat with him that night.

He was busy comforting his childhood best friend that he forgot about his boyfriend. Kei was busy touching and kissing Yamaguchi, that he didn’t realize Kageyama’s crying and weeping for him. Kei had cheated on Kageyama and he regrets it.

And, god, he regrets leaving that ugly bruise he imprinted on Yamaguchi’s left butt cheek.

Kei never showed any emotion other than annoyance and arrogance. His lips were always in a scowl or in a smirk, depending on who he’s talking to or who is he with. He was always leaving sarcastic remarks and insults. Compliments and his true thoughts were never heard coming out of his lips. Kei was an insensitive bastard that every boy in high school hated, because he either made a girl cry or provoked a senior.

But ever since meeting Kageyama, he was more honest on how he feels about something and compliments are heard occasionally. He became somewhat approachable and he started to think before he speaks. Kageyama was an introvert, a quiet and reserved person, kind of like Kei himself, except that Kageyama wasn’t mean and insensitive. When asked for his opinion, Kageyama would tell them briefly and then remain silent. Kageyama’s thoughts and ideas about someone or something can come off as offensive and hurtful, but it wasn’t. He never insulted anyone on purpose.

Kei changed himself for Kageyama.

He became more approachable and he started to share his opinions and plans, and the amount of insults were minimizing. Kei changed himself because he didn’t want to offend Kageyama with his insults and annoy him with sarcastic remarks.

And after Kei had confessed that he likes Kageyama, he became sweeter and more open. He started smiling and laughing. His sarcastic remarks turned into playful ones and his insults turned into compliments. It surprised Kei, because of how a person can change him. Kageyama changed his attitude and turned him into a loving and sweet person.

Kageyama had Kei wrapped around his fingers.

One glance from his boyfriend meant a lot; stop it, don’t do it, I dare you to do it. Kei was under Kageyama, letting the other completely dominate over him. He lets Kageyama choose the movie, he let him buy his clothes and things, he lets him hold his hand wherever and whenever, he lets Kageyama kiss him whenever and wherever. Kei had no problem with that. Kageyama knew better than him, he admits that. He had better judgment and Kei trusts him so much.

He was so whipped and in love that he didn’t mind.

And so, Kei regrets the first and last time he decided something on his own, to go check on Yamaguchi all by himself.

Kageyama told him that they’ll visit him on the weekends, because Yamaguchi probably wanted to be on his own. He told Kei that it’s not best to check up on him when what happened is just fresh. Yamaguchi was still drunk, on his pain and on beer.

But Kei still went to check on Yamaguchi. And they ended up having sex. Yamaguchi was drunk and offered Kei drinks. So, Kei drank as well. A glass became a whole bottle then a bottle became three. Next thing they knew was that they were both naked, cocks aching and ass throbbing.

Kei regrets asking Kageyama why he had been crying. He regrets letting his boyfriend open up the door quietly, kissing him and asking him why didn’t Kageyama kiss him back.

He regrets not answering when Kageyama demanded for questions.

“Why did you do it?!” _I was drunk._

Kei regrets standing still, near the door frame of their bedroom, when Kageyama was on the other side of the room, sobbing and throwing things.

“Why didn’t you stop?!” _I’m sorry._

He regrets not stopping Kageyama when the other started packing his things and shoving them into their high school volleyball team’s duffel bag.

“I thought I was special, because you showed me things. You let me feel loved, you had me in the palm of your hands. I thought you were in love with me. Am I not good enough? Am I not enough?” _I am, baby. I’m so in love with you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for this mistake, for not telling you, for not trusting your judgment. You’re more than enough, love. I’m sorry._

Kei regrets not telling Kageyama to leave.

“We’re over, Tsukishima. I’m sorry if I’m not enough. Thank you, for showing me things I didn’t know.” _Please don’t leave, baby. I’m so sorry please, don’t blame yourself._

He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t try hard enough, couldn’t let Kageyama know that he was wrong and that he’s more than enough and that he’s so in love with him.

Kei was afraid. Afraid that if he spoke, everything will go back to square one. He wouldn’t be able to tell his real feelings, he wouldn’t be able to speak what’s on his mind. Kei was afraid that instead of apologizing, he’d end up insulting and offending his boyfriend.

He came back to his old self, insensitive, afraid of telling his real feelings.

Kei regrets letting fear get into him.

Maybe if only Kei spoke and explained everything to Kageyama, they would be cuddling today. They’d be fine, Kageyama wouldn’t have to leave and they won’t have to break up. Maybe if only Kei walked towards Kageyama and wrap his arms around his boyfriend’s shaking body, Kageyama wouldn’t have to sob so hard.

Maybe if only Kei listened to Kageyama and stayed at home that day, they wouldn’t have this problem. Yamaguchi wouldn’t have to offer Kei drinks and they wouldn’t have to end up in bed, naked. Maybe if only Kei noticed Kageyama’s swollen and red eyes, then they won’t be having this problem.

Kei glanced at his blinking phone, reading the notifications he has.

 

_From: Hinata_

_Yoooo! Kags is engaged! Damn, he beat me into getting married first! Damn him._

 

Kei smiled bitterly, locking his phone and tossing it on the other side of the bed. He regrets it, doing that mistake, not noticing enough, and not speaking up. Maybe if he didn’t let his fear get into him, he’d be the one proposing to Kageyama.

But he can’t do anything anymore. He can’t stop the wedding, attack his ex-boyfriend’s fiancée, demand Kageyama to get back with him. He’d only look more asshole than he already is. All he could do was to congratulate Kageyama and wish him all the best.

 

_To: Tobio_

_Hey, I heard you’re engaged. Congratulations! I wish you all the best._

 

Kei snickered, his annoying smirk drawing themselves back to his thin lips. Tears started forming but did no effort to stop them. His tears started flowing like a faucet, as his mind gets clouded with his _maybes_ and regrets.

_Maybe if I could turn back time, I would kiss you and never let you go._

 

 

 


End file.
